Yacht Club Drive Marina

05/23/2026

Whoever needs to hear this

FLORIDA BOATING RULES EXPLAINED LIKE YOU’RE 4 PIÑA COLADAS DEEP 🍹⚓️ FOR WHOEVER NEEDS TO HEAR THIS

LIFE JACKETS:
Everyone on the boat needs one.
Not “my cousin can swim.”
Not “we’re only going a little way.”
An actual life jacket.

Kids 6 and under?
Wear it at all times. Tiny humans are not buoyant accessories.

THROWABLE FLOATATION DEVICE:
If your boat is over 16 feet, you need one throwable cushion/ring thing.
This is for when Uncle Randy falls in trying to “hold the dock with his foot.”

WHISTLE OR HORN:
You need something loud enough to tell other captains:
“HEY BRO WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING.”

LIGHTS:
If it’s dark outside and your boat looks invisible, congratulations, you’re now a sea ghost. Turn your navigation lights on.

FIRE EXTINGUISHER:
If your boat contains fuel, engines, wires, or literally anything capable of exploding, bring one.
Boats are basically floating grills with Bluetooth speakers.

BOATER LICENSE:
If you were born after 1988, the state would like proof you know which side of the boat is not the bottom. Carry your boater card and ID.

KILL SWITCH:
Attach the safety lanyard to yourself so when you fly out of the captain’s seat doing something stupid, the boat doesn’t continue to Cuba by itself.

BUI — BOATING UNDER THE INFLUENCE:
“Yes officer but it’s the ocean” is not a legal defense.
0.08 is still 0.08.

RIGHT OF WAY RULES:
If two boats are heading at each other and both captains panic and freeze like frightened squirrels… that’s bad.
Both boats move right.

If you’re passing another boat, YOU are responsible for not turning everyone into a Coast Guard documentary.

If another boat is coming from your right side, congratulations, they win. Slow down and let them go.

SAILBOATS:
If they don’t have engines, leave them alone. They’re already fighting for their lives with ropes and geometry.

NO WAKE ZONES:
“Idle speed” does not mean “slightly slower than reckless.”
If your wake launches a paddleboarder into another zip code, you’re doing it wrong.

DIVERS DOWN FLAGS:
Stay away from the flag.
That means there are humans underwater trying not to become manatee salsa.

MANATEES:
Slow down.
The giant floating potatoes are protected and honestly have better personalities than most boat ramp arguments.

FINAL RULE:
Just because your boat has twin 400s and RGB cupholders doesn’t mean you’re Captain Jack Sparrow. Calm down.

05/19/2026

Congratulations to the winner of our Mile Marker Piña Colada Photo Contest! 🍹📸

Matching the shirt 💛 to the pina colada🍹statue demonstrated elite vacation planning and ultimately influenced the judges 🌟🍍🏆😂

Your photo officially earned you some Gilbert’s bragging rights — and we’ll be sending you our signature Gilbert’s tank top and logo hat! 🌴☀️

Thank you to everyone who entered and kept the frozen drink spirit alive. More contests (and questionable Rico judging decisions) coming soon.

Kim, please DM us the address where we can send your prize 💛

04/17/2026

Public Service Announcement:
Today’s official fuel dock review from every customer:
“Actually… that’s not bad.”

REC 90 and Diesel at GILBERT’S still $5.99.
You’re welcome, America. 🇺🇸⛽️

03/15/2026

🦜 RICO REPORT – BREAKING NEWS FROM THE DOCK

Attention from the Coconut Wireless Newsroom (also known as the tiki bar).

Earlier today, one of the performance boats heading down for the MTI Fun Run toward Gilberts Key Largo caught fire on the water.

Before Rico says anything else — the only news that actually matters:
Allegedly all eight people on board made it out safely. No injuries.

Now… Rico did what Rico always does. He checked the comment section.

And wow.

Within approximately 12 seconds the internet’s finest maritime investigators arrived and declared:

• “Insurance fraud.”
• “That water looks nice though.”
• “Probably staged.”
• “Rich people problems.”

Not one “glad everyone’s okay.”
Straight to CSI: Boat Edition.

Let Rico explain something.

People who own boats like that usually don’t wake up and think:
“You know what sounds fun today? Setting my multi-million dollar boat on fire in front of 80 other boats while cruising to lunch.”

These were friends and family heading to the Keys, like they do every year.
A fun run. A day on the water. Lunch in Key Largo.

Then something goes wrong… and suddenly the internet turns into a panel of arson detectives, marine engineers, and financial auditors.

Meanwhile another group of commenters is just staring at the video like:

“Wow that water is beautiful.”

Rico agrees.
The water is beautiful.

But also maybe… just maybe…
we could start with “glad everyone made it out okay.”

As for the question Rico keeps seeing:

“Why does everyone hate on them?”

Simple.

Fast boats + big motors + sunshine + people having fun
= the internet immediately deciding someone must be doing something wrong.

Anyway…

Boats can be replaced.
Eight people getting home safe is the real headline.

— Rico 🦜
Reporting live from the dock where the only thing currently on fire is the grill and someone’s third rum bucket.

02/01/2026

First person to say ‘it’s too hot’ this summer gets slapped.
Respectfully.
— Rico

01/27/2026

RICO REPORT IS BACK! DELAYED BY A VERY SERIOUS MOVIE MEETING.


Last week was… a lot.
Powerboats, movie production, a full-blown car show, and just enough drama to keep things interesting.

The season is here early, folks.
It’s freezing up north, so everyone flew down to Key Largo like migrating birds with opinions.

Solos Beach Bonanza – Year 4 showed up and chose violence.
Lifted trucks.
Not-lifted trucks.
Low trucks.
Loud trucks.
Fast cars.
Cars that look like they’ve been banned from three HOA communities already.

Basically, if it had wheels and an ego, it was here.

At some point, a few lifted-truck enthusiasts decided jumping into salt water and doing a backflip was a solid life choice.
Looked incredible.
Absolutely not allowed.

🎥 A drone just happened to catch it on video.
Total accident.
Very unfortunate.
Yes, we posted it.

Trucks in salt water 💦
Thoughts and prayers to the undercarriage.
Tell us what you think — or don’t. The comments already set themselves on fire.

Meanwhile, our usual weekend traffic security hero did not show up.
Did not call.
Did not text.
Just disappeared like a ghost on payroll.

So the owner and the bar manager — both blondes — took over traffic duty like it was casually included in the employee handbook under “other duties as assigned.”

One guy tried to tip his way into better parking, explaining that he “always does” and that he knows the owner — he lets him park wherever.

The owner, fully committed to the traffic-guard role, smiled and said she also knows the owner.
He tried again.
She smiled again.

“The owner’s a cool guy,” he added. “He lets me park wherever I want.”

She nodded. “Sounds like him.”
The cones stayed right where they were.

Peace is restored.

Yes, we also had an off-duty officer on property driving a car that literally says CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION, so of course everyone immediately asked what crime occurred.

Igor, using a very convincing Russian accent, told them they were actively searching for a Russian spy and walked away.
No details.
No updates.
Just fear.

Final note — and this part isn’t funny.
Our bathroom attendant, who works harder than anyone here, had her tip jar broken into for the fourth time.

Seriously.
Don’t be that person.

That’s the report.
No refunds.
Rico out. 🦜🍹

12/15/2025

RICO REPORT — LOST & FOUND EDITION

Monday morning. Before coffee. Lost & Found delivered an item that was not a flip-flop, not a phone, and definitely not an accident. Straps. Buckles. Commitment. The kind of thing you don’t just misplace unless the night went exactly as planned… or wildly off-script.

No announcements were made. No questions asked. Item was secured, sanitized, and emotionally processed by staff. Reminder to all: take only memories from Gilbert’s — and please make sure all accessories leave with you. 🦜🍹

Midweek had everyone fooled. Blue skies, boats polished within an inch of their lives, captains practicing parade waves like they’re running for office. Boat Parade energy was HIGH.

Then Saturday arrived and chose violence.
Skies opened. Rain came down like it had a personal vendetta. Not easy… but somehow, against all odds and ponchos, IT HAPPENED.

Now for the main event: CROCODILE SIGHTSEEING.

A lady checked in for one night with a very clear mission. Not relaxation. Not cocktails. Not sunsets.
She announced, confidently: “I am here to see the crocodile.”

We gently explained, “Ma’am… sightings are extremely rare. Some people who WORK here for 11 YEARS have never seen him.”

She replied: FALSE ADVERTISING.
Because, and I quote, “There is a sign that says CROCODILE CROSSING.”

So naturally, Rico panicked. Legal was consulted (a bartender).
We pointed vaguely toward the mangroves by the breakfast room dock and said, “Somewhere… over there.”

She looked.
AND THERE HE WAS.
Just chilling. Near the mangroves. On cue. Like he read the Yelp complaint in advance.

She left a 5-STAR REVIEW and Rico is now convinced the crocodile is part of Guest Services and only appears when threatened with bad reviews.

🎶 LIVE MUSIC INCIDENT REPORT: MICHAEL SCOTT (NASHVILLE DIVISION) 🎶

All week the phones rang nonstop.
“What time does the Nashville guy play?”

Answer: 1–5 PM.

By 11 AM, the ladies were already lined up, hydrating exclusively with several shots and confidence. Hair done. Flip flops chosen. Destiny loading.

Then Michael Scott took the stage… and then took it VERY personally.
At some point, he jumped ON TOP OF THE BAR, singing at a dangerous level of enthusiasm, throwing back Jack, wearing flip flops, and reminding everyone this is, in fact, part of the act.

Rico would like to confirm:
Yes, we know it’s a thing.
Yes, it still gives management heart palpitations.

Management did have to politely intervene when two customers climbed on top of the bar, proving once again that Nashville energy spreads faster than sunscreen at noon.

No injuries. No arrests. Just rain, crocodiles, country music, and lost and found Items that asked to be found but not explained.

End of report. 🦜🍹

12/12/2025

WTFK 108 What The Florida Keys News:

📍Harbor Marina, Key Largo, Florida

Uninsured Yacht Sinks During Repairs, Leaving Owner Liable for Cleanup.

Breaking news, folks: a very large yacht decided it was done being a boat and sank itself in a Florida Keys canal, potentially spilling over a thousand gallons of diesel into the water, because apparently gravity, balance, and insurance are all optional down here. The 55-foot Viking convertible fishing yacht started listing in Key Largo on Tuesday while getting a “simple service overhaul,” which in Keys language means “everything is taken apart and nothing is tied down.” According to TowBoat US captain Johnny Guzman, the engine block was casually chilling on the back deck when the boat slowly leaned to port like it was trying to whisper a secret to the mangroves, then just… gave up. By Wednesday, she was officially submerged, and here’s the real plot twist: the boat is reportedly not insured, which means the owner is now personally responsible for the cleanup, the spill, and probably a few very uncomfortable phone calls. Rico would like to remind everyone that boats float better when engines stay inside them and insurance exists for a reason. Fax all complaints to the bottom of the canal.

11/22/2025

BREAKING NEWS FROM MILE MARKER PIÑA COLADA 🦅🚨

In a plot twist nobody saw coming (except maybe Rico), our gorgeous Osprey has officially moved in just 24 hours after the new nesting platform went up!

Thanks to the teamwork of FKEC, FWC, and Gilbert’s, the bird took one look at the waterfront property, reviewed the location, checked the views, noted the lack of HOA drama, and said:
“Yep. This is home now.”

Feathered queen approved.
Keys wildlife: thriving.
Gilbert’s: basically a luxury real estate developer for birds.

More updates as our new resident decorates her nest and starts asking who’s been parking under her tree. 🌴💛🦅

11/22/2025

Dear friends and family,
Uncle Rico was watching last night’s sunset, got emotional, shed one dramatic feather, and decided:
“Fine. Give them a discount.”

So here it is: 20% off room rates with code RICO20!
www.gilbertsresort.com
Stay with us and enjoy free beach cabanas, live music, seafood, cocktails, and the most beautiful sunset your phone camera will ever see.