03/21/2024
My story is a powerful story of redemption. For many years, I was a slave to alcohol, and for three years, I was a slave to ma*****na. For about one year, I also used L*D (Acid) and Magic Mushrooms. I did an abundant amount of research on all the drugs I used, to prove to myself that they were good for my mental health. My, oh my, was I wrong. Just like politics, there’s left and right wing information on drugs. Some say they are good for mental health, and some say they’re bad. Who is to know who is right? They are both so compelling. I chose read the research that stated certain drugs were beneficial for mental health illnesses, which led to me deciding to use them for so long.
If I could go back in time, I would jump at the opportunity, knowing what I know now. I would have listened to my friends and family members who only had my best interest at heart. But I didn’t; I was stubborn, and made the wrong choice. I have battled depression and anxiety for over 20 years. I have been bed-ridden with depression over 10 times, and the pain it brings, I wish upon nobody. I do not believe there is enough mental health awareness out there in the general public. So many people blanket their mental health illnesses because they are afraid of what others will think. We must drop the stigma, and do our best to encourage and help those who battle from it.
The next phase of my mental health illness came in the form of mania. I never went manic once before the age of 35. I always had more energy than most people, but exerted that energy in sports, which kept me out of trouble. I’m just a few months after using ma*****na, mania struck me. I could not tell; it is very hard to understand that you are in mania when you are, but it is clear as day for others around you to see it.
Over the past three and a half years, I have been hospitalized 10 times: seven times for mania, and three times for crippling depression. It is abundantly clear to look back and see the ramifications that drug use had on me. Because of this, I am vowing to never go back to using any drugs, and will likely also cut alcohol out of my life. I don’t miss any of it.
I cannot blame the devil for any choices I made, but I can say that he cast the hook with the bait on it, and I decided to bite it. With age, my sins became worse and worse. Although I was studying Scripture, I was not living it out. I truly found Heaven by going through hell. I received true grace and mercy from my Lord and Savior when I came to a state of complete and utter repentance. For what I did, I deserve to be punished eternally, but because of God’s everlasting grace and mercy, I have been washed clean by Jesus’ blood. This said, I am being punished for the choices I made, and have to suffer because of it. Jim Carrey said in a video I watched recently that he believes suffering leads to salvation. I can fully and completely say I agree with him. Although what I did (had an affair), was absolutely horrendous, I can say that because of through the valleys I had to go through, I am a much better person than I was before. I am truly now doing my best to live according to the example Jesus set for us.
I’ve written many songs and books, and really want to record my first Christian album in the future, but I don’t know when. I also want to write a new book about all the above and more. Again, I am unsure when this will happen. For now, my priorities are to :
A) Go to a Christian Rehabilitation to strengthen me so I never fall back into addiction.
😎 Enter the work force again so that I can provide financially for my family.
C) Pray for God’s Pure, Holy, and Blameless Will to be done.
D) Keep on doing music and writing for the rest of my life, as it is the absolute best form of therapy for me.
”There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.“
Romans 8:1-4 ESV
God will NEVER condemn those who are truly abide in Jesus Christ. The enemy (Satan) is the great accuser. He is constantly in front of God’s throne condemning us of sins we have done to God. He also has his minions (demons) on earth reminding us constantly of the terrible things we have done. He never stops condemning. Thankfully, Jesus is seated at the right hand of God, and whenever His Disciples get accused, He steps in and says “I don’t think so, this one has been washed clean and redeemed by me.” His sacrifice covers all of our past, present, and future sins, but that is no excuse to keep living in sin. We must always keep in step with the Spirit of God. He is our protector. Whenever we hear Satan’s accusations, we can quote scripture back to him in Jesus’ name, and he will flee. James 4:7 (ESV) says ”Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.“ That is what we must make a habit of doing when condemnation or temptation come our ways
”So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.“
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV
We have SO MUCH to look forward to in eternity. We, as Disciples of Christ, will always be with God. Eternity truly starts the day of your salvation. Baptism symbolizes this in a sense of off with the old, on with the new. We go under the water and die to our old self/ways, and come up in our new self/ways. Life can be burdensome. Pain can really hurt, whether it is emotional, physical, or Spiritual. It doesn’t feel good to be down in a valley, but if we learn from our mistakes, we can rise up and be stronger than we were before we fell. That is what my longing is for. I’m struggling right now, but I know that the Holy Spirit is with me at all times, and is my eternal comforter.
”He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.“
Psalm 91:1-3 ESV
Dwelling in the shelter or the Most High to me means staying in the Word of God daily, and getting deep in prayer throughout the day. We, as Christians, live in the world, but we are not to be of the world. This is a very challenging task, because there’s so many things of the world that are tempting to us. We are so weak in our flesh, apart from the Spirit of God. I was as good as dead when I walked away from God, and committed adultery, as well as the many sins before and after it. My psychiatrist says “Life is a good teacher; if you learn from it.” He is absolutely right. We will all fall and make mistakes. But they can be turned into lessons if we learn from them. My mistake was pretty much as bad as it gets, and I will forevermore feel the grief I caused on my wife and children, as well as so many other people that were affected from it. I pray for all of them all the time, for strength and peace.
”Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.“
Proverbs 12:1 ESV
God disciplines His children. I am being disciplined for the wrongdoings I did. It will take a lot of time and effort to get back to where I once was, but I am now determined to get there. I accept the discipline of the Lord, and long for the day the discipline will be over. I can truly say that I have learned/gained knowledge from my mistakes. I would NEVER do what I did ever again. What an amazing God we have. He is our Heavenly Daddy. We are little babies to Him.
We are the Body of Christ, and we must come back together in these perilous days we live in. I love Eschatology (end times studies), and from all the studies I have done in my day, I can say that we are getting pretty dang close to the end. It is not a matter of if, but of when Jesus will return to us. We must always have extra oil with us in case our lamp goes out. We do not want to miss out on the great day of Glorification. We need to start talking about our faith more to others. Who knows, you may just lead somebody to God, and when that happens, all of Heaven sings (apart from the enemy when he is there). Heaven is closer than we think. There are signs everywhere. We are in the birth pangs described in Matthew 24. We are being shown signs in the firmament, signifying that our Savior is getting ready to come back to redeem us. Oh what a Glorious day that will be. Imagine how excited Jesus is to finally meet us all face to face!!
Jesus is our greatest story of redemption. His sacrifice at Calvary was once and for all who call Him their King. He is my King, and forevermore will be.