04/19/2026
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I used to talk with God while dancing with the devil.
And if I’m being honest, that is a kind of conflict a lot of people know but don’t always admit out loud. Wanting God, calling on God, crying out to God… while still entertaining the very things pulling you further from the peace you keep praying for.
That tension is real.
I knew what it was like to ask God for protection while still living in ways that kept opening doors to destruction. I knew what it was like to pray when fear hit, then turn around and feed habits, choices, and environments that kept me chained to the very darkness I said I wanted freedom from.
That kind of life splits a person inside.
Because part of you knows there is something holy calling you higher, while another part of you keeps reaching for what is familiar even when familiar is killing you.
And the hardest part is that you can feel both worlds pulling at you at the same time.
You know what conviction feels like.
You know what guilt feels like.
You know what mercy feels like.
And still, there are moments where you keep stepping back into things you already know leave damage behind.
That is why surrender matters so deeply.
Because eventually there comes a moment where talking to God while staying loyal to what keeps destroying you becomes exhausting. You get tired of hearing truth and still fighting it. Tired of asking for light while protecting darkness.
For me, there had to come a point where I admitted that I could not keep asking God to bless what I refused to release.
And that honesty changed everything.
Not overnight. Not perfectly. But honestly.
Because grace met me in places where I had no business expecting it, and little by little I learned that freedom asks for more than words — it asks for separation from what keeps poisoning your spirit.
A lot of people understand the language of wanting God while still wrestling with things that oppose everything He is trying to build in them.
That battle is real.
But so is the moment when you finally decide you are tired of living divided.
Because there is peace waiting on the other side of choosing who truly leads your life.
And once you have tasted that peace, you realize how exhausting double-minded living really was. 🔥🙏
— j. anthony |
