01/02/2024
So let me start with, it’s been a stressful week for me. Jobs haven’t been coming in like they always have. We have some pretty significant expenditures coming up that we’re obligated to. Also my heart wasn’t right. The last week of December I wasn’t living like I know I should be and I knew that and it was beginning to weigh on me. I had stumbled. I have stumbled a lot in my past, and a lot of those stumbles ended up with me face first on the ground and usually some pretty bad consequences to follow. However, it was all those stumbles, trips, and falls that led me down this path I am on now. 5 years ago to the day I was released from prison and by Gods grace and the kindness of Wes and Pati I ended up landing in Clarksville. God, was God and grabbed hold of me and hasn’t let go since. Probably the other way around actually. God has always had me I just chose for a long time to not have him. However, in the recent months, I have grown comfortable in the little bit of success God has given me, and I had became complacent in my faith. I hadn’t turned my back on God. I just wasn’t really looking at him. I was drinking a lot more often then I think a Christian should. And I got lucky this time, because nothing bad happened. The problem wasn’t the quantity of alcohol I was consuming. It was the time, talent and resources I had put in to bourbon hunting. I was prioritizing my bourbon collection over my Bible verse collection. It wasn’t controlling my life nor was it causing me problems life yet. It was creating problems in my heart. I’d begun to look forward to swirling a bit of a rare bourbon and smelling and tasting all the complexities in it more than I was Prayer time, maintaining close friendships with good godly men, And even going to church. I found a way of justifying it in my mind because I wasn’t drinking to get drunk and I never drank a lot. At least that is what I would tell myself but lately those lies no longer work and I felt God pulling at me. Ignored it for a while. But thanks to God’s grace and the changes he has implicated in my life over the last few years I was able to catch myself before I actually fell. God is giving me this radical vision for myself, and what he wants me to do. I’m not sure how to get myself there yet, but I do know the first few steps which is what I am taking now. Just like a beautiful rosebush every year you got to prune it. Got to cut parts off in order for it to grow even more beautiful than before. Pruning can sometimes be painful. You have to cut off all the dead spots which won’t hurt as bad because they are dead. But also you have to prune parts that are still living and they can sometimes hurt. I’m sure everyone is confused about the picture. But I have been asking God for a sign in the last couple days, he has given me several. See I normally don’t have the best control over my carnal needs, eating food is one of those. I had a stressful morning and traffic going to Nashville wasn’t great and I was going to have some more test done on me. I have been praying and talking to God a lot this morning and I was feeling a closeness with him like I’ve not felt in a long time. Actually, he truly was the first thing on my mind this morning as soon as I open my eyes, I was able to, thank God and for me, that was a good feeling. That was a sign to me of Gods love. Our church has started a 21 day fast. My wife and I are sticking to it.To me one of the important items that I will be fasting from is obviously alcohol and I don’t plan on losing that commitment for a long time. Also we’re not eating food from 6-6. However let’s get back to the food after I left the VA hospital. I was doing 1 million things on my phone and honestly I couldn’t tell you how it happened but I found myself in a KFC drive-through on the phone and I ordered two snack, wraps, and a water. I open that first wrap up I took a big bite, and I was amazed at how great it tasted. I honestly felt like I had found my new favorite food, I was thinking in my head I can’t wait to take the kids to get one. It was honestly the best thing I have tasted in a long time it was pure joy, a dopamine blast like no other but then my mind started to think why is this so good right now, and then it hit me in the face. I had briefly forgotten about the fast. I certainly didn’t purposely break my fast it just happened. And normally in any similar situation where I have found that I crossed the line a little bit there usually isn’t any coming back. It usually full force ahead. Normally I would’ve just asked God for forgiveness and I would’ve smashed those two snack wraps. I was hungry, but I immediately stopped what I was doing. I asked God to give me discipline right now, and somehow I was able to put that sandwich down. That may seem very insignificant to you but to me that was a milestone. That there was a stumble, and I caught myself before I fell, and then I realize the similarities between that snack wrap and my fast and alcohol and my life. I was able to catch myself before things got bad. After I took that bite of snack wrap and realized what had happened I held it in my hand for about two solid minutes finally when he gave me the strength to lay it down I immediately looked up and said God I’m sorry…. I broke my fast and I let you down. But suddenly I was overtaken with joy and peace. Almost as if God had placed this image in my mind, but I could just see him up in heaven, looking down at me, smiling saying son I’m proud of you. You are a stronger man because of your failures. I felt as if he said, You haven’t broken your fast son, you’re just getting started. I believe God allowed that little process play out just as a little test to give me the confidence I needed to walk proud. As a son of God. Forgiven and blessed. So when I look at that snack wrap photo, I don’t think, “well, I broke my fast”. I feel “I BROKE THE DEVIL” 💪🏻
