Doomguy's Dank Death Dispensary

Doomguy's Dank Death Dispensary THERE IS NO SHORT WAY TO DESCRIBE THE FU***NG HORRORS I'VE SEEN, YOU MAGGOT! S**T, you should buy some pot from me. My name is Doomguy. No, wait, here. F**K OFF.

I can't die, because God knows I'll kill him when I get there. When the moons of Jupiter were invaded by Hell, I was there. When the fields of Earth fell under the boot of the same -- I was there. When a time portal ripped me through space, and time, to Colorado Springs in the year 2015 -- I was ... well ... there. Anyhow, the THRILL OF GLORIOUS COMBAT taught me everything I needed to know, so it

seemed! BUT I NEEDED MORE. Less, really. In this pathetic, sad and wimpy time, I had to become a civilian. TO SURVIVE. So I've crafted this -- DOOMGUY'S DANK DEATH DISPENSARY. You see medical ma*****na was my second dream, aside from killing thousands of demons and all the night terrors about being killed by demons. When I looked into it I looked at it AS A FEARLESS KILLER and I noticed a way to improve upon the standard Colorado Business model. YOU SEE -- *twitches and mutters* --some dispensaries grow in bulk so they can sell to their customers CHEAP. I built a business where I kill those customers, and sell to you CHEAPER. Come on down to DOOMGUY'S DANK DEATH DISPENSARY. Remember -- I don't kill my OWN customers! Be sure to check out my "punch card!" HA HA HA HA *roars Satanically*

04/18/2017

THIS SOCIAL MEDIA KILLER WITH TWO FIRST NAMES has come for an interview! I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE HIM! Did you motherf**kers not even notice this guy literally looks like a demon? He's like a possessed, meth-addicted Mr.T!
---------------------------------------
STEVIE STEVENSON "STEVE" STEPHENS, YOU INFLICTED A HORROR UPON THE WORLD and ended your own pathetic existence with a G*T all up in in Erie, Pennylvania! I MUST ASK YOU WHY.

SS: N***a, stop makin my s**t be SS you tryna say I'm a N**i? I mean that is my initials but thas deliberate as f**k

Doomguy: N**I? DOES THIS LOOK LIKE GODDAMN WOLFENSTEIN TO YOU, IMP?!

SS: Aight so listen I was about to cross over to Canada and f**kin like be th only one up in that s**t with a heater, you feelin me? No f**ks gonna mess wit me. Nah I stopped at Erie doe, to get some of that kush. N***as took me 24 hours to get a f**kin dub, I smoked mids for the firs time in 8 years! These ni**as had nothing but dabs and bulls**t and they dabs was bein freebased like he**in. WITH he**in in fact.

Doomguy: THAT IS MOST PATHETIC. In Colorado, I GUARANTEE my delivery times. If you can get another dealer's product before me, I KILL HIM AND YOU GET HIS MONEY BACK!

SS: word

SS: so like I was sayin I was here for about 24 hours and I thought I'd check them docks out. Right, like all that s**t is so pretty and s**t right? And it was, true, it was, but even looking at that lake I just got so f**kin depressed

Doomguy: DID THE GUILT OF YOUR MURDER OVERCOME YOU? DID YOU READ THE ARTICLES on how f**king nice of a guy? He was? He was collecting Aluminum when you killed him. F*CKING ALUMINUM, YOU SPINELESS DISEASE

SS: word

SS: So like I was saying doe I just got so sad all I wanted to do was get some f**kin McDonalds in just try to not think about how much I kinda wanted to die

Doomguy: THIS IS A PERFECTLY NORMAL DAY IN ERIE.

SS: An I got that McDonalds in downtown and they took like 20 minutes to get me a small fry

Doomguy: THIS IS STILL DESCRIBING A NORMAL DAY IN ERIE.

SS: Nah bruh I saw they was stackin up the 5-0s behind me and I drove for awhile then I said f**k it like I had 1 magazine when I started this f**ka and I ain't get no ammo so I just cleared my head, you hear me? Fu***ng lead-on, apply directly to the forehead

Doomguy: THE ONLY UNUSUAL THING ABOUT YOUR ERIE EXPERIENCE IS THE LACK OF A HE**IN NEEDLE. We are going to put you in Doom 3. YOU ARE AN IMP.

SS: That't racist as f**k y-

Doomguy: AND YOU SHALL DIE IN A CINEMATIC, UNSKIPPABLE, OVER AND OVER, MEANINGLESS AND STUPID!

03/09/2017

Drug test? YOU FAGGOTS DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT DRUGS ARE. Have you ever HUFFED A SOUL SPHERE ON A BERSERKER RAGE?! IT TASTES LIKE ANGEL P***Y AND HITS LIKE DEMON DICK. IT'S STRANGE WHAT substances they test for on modern Earth! My w**d is more fire than herpes on a lost soul BUT NEVER SHOWS UP ON A DRUG TEST. BECAUSE I EAT MY P**S BEFORE THE TESTER CAN TOUCH IT. THEN I EAT that fa**ot TOO. PROBLEM: SOLVED. LESS TALK. MORE COMBAT. SECOND REALM PROBLEM

03/03/2017

THERE APPEAR to be new people staying in Hell with me LATELY and I could go on and on how happy this makes me. Let's talk politics. BECAUSE I OFTEN VISIT HELL I get to know all the best politicians ahead of time, I ENJOY ASSESSING MY ENEMIES BEFORE THE ENTER THEY PLAINS OF ETERNAL BATTLE.

NEXT TOPIC

CANNABIS DOES NOTHING WHEN TAKEN AS A SUPPOSITORY AND IS VERY ITCHY.

I TOOK HE**IN TO GET RID OF MY ITCHY AS***LE BECAUSE IT'S ACTUALLY EASIER TO FIND IN ERIE THAN W**D IS

NOW I HAVE AN ITCHY EVERYTHING

WAS THAT FENTANYL AGAIN?!

GODDAMN ERIE

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THIS MADE ME DIE OF LAUGHTER AND GO TO HELL AND KILL HELL, AND NOW I AM REINCARNATED IN SOME KIN...
08/16/2016

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THIS MADE ME DIE OF LAUGHTER AND GO TO HELL AND KILL HELL, AND NOW I AM REINCARNATED IN SOME KIND OF TOMB AND MY ARMOR IS WAY BETTER AND THIS OLD BITCH IS TRYING TO HAVE S*X WITH HELL OR SOM**HING BUT HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING AS I DID NOT CREATE THIS

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA*snarl*HAHAHAHAHA

08/02/2016

SUCH BATTLE FOR SILENCE FROM YOU, IMP! IF I WANTED A COMEBACK I WOULD HAVE SHOT YOUR DAD IN THE DICK WITH A 12 GAUGE

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM

WHO HAS M**H AND W**D? CANNOT FIND MEDPACK, IT'S THE NEXT BEST THING.

07/24/2016

THERE ARE QUESTIONS AS TO MY ORIGIN. THE ULTRA-VIOLENCE LEVEL of my character has increased and I NEVER REALLY HAD AN ORIGIN STORY. HOW DO I DEAL with those questions?
THOSE QUESTIONS ARE ASKED BY PEOPLE.
PEOPLE CAN BE DEFEATED WITH BULLETS.

MY ANSWER IS BULLETS.

That feeling when the jump-scare is good
07/19/2016

That feeling when the jump-scare is good

HERE IS TODAY'S MOTIVATIONAL POSTER. SOMETIMES PROBLEMS SEEM HUGE.HUGE PROBLEMS HAVE HUGE GUTS. RIP AND TEAR!
07/19/2016

HERE IS TODAY'S MOTIVATIONAL POSTER.

SOMETIMES PROBLEMS SEEM HUGE.

HUGE PROBLEMS HAVE HUGE GUTS. RIP AND TEAR!

07/14/2016

I don't get why the cops had to use that CHEAP GIMMICKY SCRIPTED robot when they were close enough for a GLORY KILL!! GOTTA RESPOND ULTRA VIOLENTLY TO ULTRA VIOLENCE CHUMS! Hell, even Hell uses organic ingredients in their robots! SHOULD have taken the first cop that fell in the line of fire, and attached him to that robot and gone at that mother f***** like a revenant! OR IS THAT TOO AGGRESSIVE?!?

07/14/2016

Well since Bernie Sanders looks a little bit like Sergeant Kelly I was not surprised to find out that he was working with the forces of hell the entire time. Hellary Clintodemon is one of the most gloriously soulless leaders to ever take over the place ever since the icon of sin made the mistake of putting that stupid elevator in front of his exposed brain with a rocket launcher sitting on top of it. We must do what we did when Sergeant Kelly betrayed us and defeat him then take his weapon and use it on the boss. This concludes the only semi-serious post I will ever make. Has anyone seen my chainsaw? Need to brush my teeth

06/03/2016

BOUGHT A MUSTANG TODAY! Hope the rumors are true, I know first hand how they work on crowds, but do they work on HORDES?!

05/22/2016

Watching "Hellsing Ultimate" and it's exceeding the LIMITS of my standard issue space marine armor. It was NEVER meant to withstand erections of this magnitude.

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